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Challenges and Opportunities

One of my biggest challenges here is not having the space to let my guard down. I find it exhausting keeping my emotions to myself and for the most part I do a pretty good job at keeping them at arms’ length so I don’t get swallowed whole by them and I don’t spill them into community life. It feels pretty selfish of me to let this get to me but in many ways the whole point of community life is to support each other with those things which is probably why there are ongoing discussions as to whether to call this a ‘community’ or not.

My problem seems to be that when I feel completely powerless that guard slips and the smallest of things will spark a torrent of emotion over something that is actually very small. Part of me know that this is not healthy means of existence at all (all of that has to go somewhere and if you’re a bottler and have been telling yourself to let something go for so long eventually that bottle will explode when it reaches tipping point) and the other part knows that guard needs to stay in place so that I can actually do my job effectively.

Because I live and work in the same place everyone sees everything. All of the things that mean I can maintain an effective, professional outlook at work get put to one side because there is no separation and no other outlet for things. I also struggle to make close friends easily and build the kind of relationships where people know there are times I need to go ‘argh!’ and have a hug before I can be my normal, rational self.

I have another five weeks to go before I leave here and I have no plan. That’s sort of ok for the moment but really stresses me out long term. I don’t enjoy being bored at work and the last time I was unemployed I signed on as a temp in a variety of places. Some of it was really interesting and gave me great insight into how other businesses and organisations work but some of it was so dull I actually started clock watching. It did help me earn some money though and was much better than sitting at home doing nothing at all.

The good thing is I don’t need to have a plan, something will come up and I’m exploring lots of different options. I’m getting interviews when I apply for jobs, I’m just bad at selling myself in person at the interview so it’s easy to identify where I’ve been falling short and now I can do something about that. Every rejection means that there’s something else out there that will suit me much better and that will challenge me in a different way. I just have to go out and find it.

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